Your worst fears are true in that the grownups are all just pretending, unless they are still young at heart. No one is driving the bus.
On the other hand, there is a prize that awaits you if you court God for long enough, even “God” as a concept. Just keep digging and don’t stop digging, and most importantly, always be skeptical of the ready excuse for not following through on digging down even deeper. Be skeptical of every bit of story that your own mind hands to you. Observe how the Story of You always wants to cast you in the most flattering light. Observe how easy it is to go along with the narrative it provides you. Observe how I said “it” and not “you” there.
There is no “wise old man”, and no person or group of people has